Field of the Fatherless

This is mine. It is all that I have.  You see those stones? They clearly stake out this small space that I can call my own.  In this field, each row, each pebble, each spring of life matters. Yes, it is small but it is mine.  All can see and mutually agree to the boundaries or so they say but I know that deep in the heart of man is a greed that often burns like fire…and I am just a girl and that is just a stone- a stone that can be moved.

They look at me and say, “There is no one else there to take up her case.” Do they not know? Have they not seen me walking through those fields? Each morning as the autumn sun rises and the fields begin to sway, I wander between the rows, but I am not alone. I walk with my Father. Hand in hand we walk as He assures me of the harvest to come. He is my Defender and in the face of the threats to steal, His heart rages with love and justice. “None will encroach on My daughter’s field. None will steal the very gift that I have given to My own.”

But our walk was shorter today. With each step, I see that the rows have diminished and the space is shrinking. Through tears, I look to Him. Does He not see? Silently, we walk on. It is written that those that move the stones will be cursed, but who will demand justice in the face of theft? It is the plight of fatherless.  In silence, He remains. “Who will take up my case?” my heart demands. “Why does He not move the stone back to its place?” He stands still; He stands strong before me. Simply watching, still silent. My knees meet the ground of my ever-shrinking field. My face meets my hands, as they begin to catch the tears spilling from these eyes that only see defeat. In the silence, in the middle of that field, the silence breaks and He reminds me…

“I am Your boundary stone.”

Eyes caught by His gentle gaze, heart roused with relieving love, I rise with confidence that this is no longer the field of the fatherless. His words are trustworthy and true…

“Do not move an ancient boundary stone or encroach on the fields of the fatherless, for their Defender is strong; he will take up their case against you.” (Proverbs 23:10-11)

He stands. He protects. He claims and He demands what is His.  Looking now I see that the ruling is in-“Why did He not move the stone back to its place?” Because He had something even better in store. The boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places for me (Psalm 16:5-7). He is my inheritance and with each day, these fields grow larger than I ever imagined.

“He’s not the judge, He’s not the jury. He’s the evidence.”

Means to an End

Do I live like it is all just a means to an end, with each step so strategically placed in order to get to some destination that will affirm a success? Why is it that the moments in between, the journey itself,  some how gets over shadowed by the one second of completion? It all becomes a means to an end. Each action, each activitiy is just an intentional part of some grand plot that I have to accomplish a dream, or hit some mark that I have made up in my mind. It is rather funny how I place so much value on that one final step of a process while diminishing the value of the hundred steps I previously took.

I find that life’s activities often become a means to an end. Each day is a chance to get a little closer to some goal that I have attributed a great amount of value to. I guess people often do that because it gives us direction of some sort. It gives us something to measure our purpose and successfulness to. But lately I find myself without that “next” goal in mind. Before, it was to get into college. Then to complete a semester with good grades. Then it was to land a good internship. Each dream was completed with excitement but in the end it was just another thing to check off the list. The thing about living for a goal is that when it is completed, the glory of it all fades by the next day and you are left searching for another goal to define the direction of your life.  So what happens when you do not have that “next” step to guide you? What does life become when you are no longer living for the “next” but start living for the “now”? I find myself in that place, not because of a loss of ambition or a lack of goals, but rather because my heart has been going on a journey these last three months that has broken away my desire to strive.

Three months ago I finished my last big “next” goal- I graduated college. I assumed that life would all just fall into place.  Job, apartment, ministry, etc. It would all just appear or something, simply because I had completed that one giant goal I had been working toward for years. Yet, disillusionment hit when I realized that is not quite what God ha in store for me. Instead I find myself unemployed, sleeping on a couch, and often filling my days with tasks that I would have considered mundane. Yet through the monotony- through the lack of an aim, of a “next” moment- my heart started to be refined. The slow and often painful process of trying to find a job and exploring the options of graduate school has given God the perfect opportunity to break me of the desire to look for the destination in life, rather than the process of the moment.

Last week, as I continued my monotonous routine, I went to my typical doctor’s appointment but it was anything but normal.  Our regular conversation and banter took a turn towards the spirituality. The change of topics brought the appointment to a halt as we sat and discussed how God is presently working, my belief in the guidance of the holy spirit and as he shared his story of faith and disbelief. As I walked out to my car that day, I was overwhelmed by the amount of divine destiny I felt in that moment, that feeling of having just walked with the holy spirit into a moment specifically appointed. It was in that moment that it hit me- life is not about the “next.” It never has been and never will be. God is fully concerned about the moment we are in and us learning to find direction, worth, and success in following His spirit. Although, I am no where near having figured all of this out, my heart is utterly broken and changed by this conviction that I need to live as a called person, not a driven person. The little moments of doing the dishes, smiling at a stranger, filling out applications, going to the store, listening to someone vent…those moments have just as great of a value as the “next” moments.

Perhaps God is even more glorified as we walk with Him through the things we call mundane and monotonous and meaningless…perhaps those are the exact moments He wants us in. Perhaps it is exactly what He would have been doing and it shows us just a little bit more of His heart.

I have a secret thought from some things I have observed, that God may perhaps design you for some singular service in the world.
David Brainerd

I Repent

“I repent, I repent of my pursuit of america’s dream
I repent, I repent of living like iIdeserve anything
of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife
in our suburb where we’re safe and white
I am wrong and of these things I repent

I repent, I repent of parading my liberty
I repent. I repent of paying for what I get for free
and for the way I believe that I am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
I am wrong and of these things I repent

I repent judging by a law that even I can’t keep
of wearing righteousness like a disguise
to see through the planks in my own eyes

I repent, I repent of trading truth for false unity
I repent, I repent of confusing peace and idolatry
by caring more of what they think than what I know of what we need
by domesticating you until you look just like me
I am wrong and of these things I repent”

This morning I spent some time just listening to Derek Webb’s cd The House Show and was struck rather hard by the song above.  I am hit by the great depth of the sin in my heart and the tendency we have as the Church to just hide our sin, rather than invite each other into those places so that we can no longer hide, but rather experience freedom. Instead, I think we would benefit so much more to just move into that place of freedom. After all, that is the place He intended us to be in the first place.

Only when our sin is great can our savior be great as well.

This is just the beginning…

“⁴So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, ⁵ and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, ⁶ to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ ⁷ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever…²⁴He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God.”            Joshua 4:4-7,24

In the future, people will ask, “What do these stones mean?” In the future, people will ask, “What was Torch all about?” And they will look in amazement at all God has done. They will see a great love burning that started as a hunger for more. They will see a group of mighty believers walking in victory that started in the secret place. They will see lives changed both naturally and supernaturally that started with small, unnoticed acts of service. They will see mountains moved that started as a mustard seed of faith. They will see devotion, consecration, passion, commitment, and power- but most of all they will see the transforming love of God.

This is just the beginning. More is to come.

We come to Him with a hungry love.

This week was our last monday night Torch. Sunday service starts this week as Torch Church begins. It is the end of one season and the beginning of a new era. We remember and mourn the end of something great, but the celebrate the beginning of something even better– God birthing a new dream, a new vision, a new passionate group of people ready and waiting in expectation for God to move in mighty ways.

Inevitable

It finally happened. I think I knew all along that it would.  Perhaps It was inevitable. Despite my excitement for the next season of my life, my heart changed today…Although I admit that good-byes typically tear me apart and that my heart tends to lean towards the sentimental side, today was epic. It is a day and a feeling that I will always remember but long to forget.

I walked through those doors for the last time today. For the last four years, it had been home. The people-they gave the word family meaning.  They taught me something that I can never thank them enough for. Love. I experienced it there in a new way & it was so real that even just seeing it changed me. It was mom and dad Jones holding hands a few rows ahead of me and me starting to believe in falling in love. It was Christmas with the Boyers/Swiharts, feeling like a part of the family. It was my girls praying in the basement together, knowing He was there. It was late night phone calls to ease broken hearts and restore hope. It was smiles. It was hugs. It was tears. It was so much love that my heart didn’t know how to contain it.

It finally happened. I think I knew all along that it would. Perhaps it was inevitable. Despite my excitement for the next season of my life, my heart rejoiced today… Two years ago, I sat in that office, getting lost in the dreams of what could be. It all started with high hopes but it included hours of effort that often seemed fruitless. Despite the exhaustion and frustration, despite the many days I wanted to quit and forget all of it, deep down I knew that each hour was worth it. And today as I sat in the new junior high service as my once-freshman-girls served in the youth ministry as a college freshman., I knew that it was. After hours of sweat and tears, change has occurred. Some dreams will be left there unfulfilled, but many have come true and you should see them- they are the most beautiful teenagers I have ever seen.

Church picnics, running the sound booth with Billy, baptisms that brought me to tears, moving chairs, making copies, 12 junior highers in a very large pair of sweatpants, International brunches, teaching stepping classes, water balloons, laughing til you cry, His Word coming to life, Allyson leading worship, prayer groups, Pier31’s version of American Idol…So many memories, so many lessons. My time at Evangel has forever altered my life.  Being a part of this family has done something to my heart–It has taught me to love , to really love-to soak it all up, to feel it with every part of my being.

It finally happened. I think I knew all along that it would. Perhaps it was inevitable. Despite my excitement for the next season of my life, my heart shattered tonight…11:44 p.m. The fact that it was my last day did not sink in until now. I made it most of the day in rather high spirits. It was almost like a dream, almost unreal. Then it hit me and there was nothing that would change it. The tears started to well up. I took a breath initially wanting to avoid these feelings and told myself to be strong. Like many times before, I decided that I did not want to feel anything. It isn’t worth it, I argued with myself.  But if there is anything that I have learned these past years at Evangel is that love is worth it. Their demonstration of God’s love awoke my heart and enlarged my heart’s very capacity. I felt it there and I want to feel all of it, even all the pain that comes with love in good-byes. So instead of trying to hold it all together or close off my heart, I want to feel the fullness of this good-bye- it shows the love that they have taught me and that I will never forget.

Next time I walk through those doors, I may be visiting but I will never be a visitor. It is my home and they are my family.

It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.

The family is a haven in a heartless world.

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other.  It is the place of confidence.  It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts.  It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule.  ~Frederick W. Robertson

It’s worth noticing…

There is a cool breeze coming off of the lake & the small waves splash against the rocks and seem to move uninhibited. There is a freedom here and a feeling of newness. I have come to the conclusion that there is something about this  place that changes me. It’s a change that I cannot even really explain. I am not relaxed, but I find myself getting lost in my thoughts here in a way very different from the way it is back home. I still am aware of all of my worries, concerns, and confusion but as I sit here I find myself feeling almost like a spectator to my life. I feel more removed from the feelings or perhaps they are just heightened–I am not really even sure. It all feels like a dream, like a big moment that I should remember for the rest of my life, yet nothing eventful has even happened?

I find myself sitting on the edge of the dock just thinking for hours. I am not sure what I am thinking about because it doesn’t even make sense to me but I just stare across the lake at all of the little houses that line the shore. Sometimes I wonder what the people that live there are like, what their lives are like, are they happy? Something about being here makes me wonder more about what really makes me happy and I am realizing more that I am not completely sure of a lot of things about myself.

I am sure of this…reality is waiting in the passenger seat of my car and I am not feeling ready to face the 319 miles we have together, to get reacquainted. I think something about being here made me realize how discontented I am with the way life is right now. I am blessed beyond reason but I have gotten that all too familiar stirring in my heart again. I need change, but this time doing my typical changes do not seem like enough. I cannot just go do something extreme like skydive or travel to foreign country. I cannot just go cut my hair or do something fun with friends. It needs to be bigger than all of that.

Theres got to be much more to life than the day to day routine that Ive followed. I cant live my life afraid to make the next move

I want to live differently. I want to live with the freedom that I feel here.  I want to settle in and find out who I really am at the very core of my being. I want to just be able to stop and close my eyes as the wind hits my face. I want to lay in a hammock without music playing and love the sounds of silence. I want to day dream & actually feel each breath, each beat of my heart. I just want to slow down & learn to love each moment, not worried about where it is taking me, but rather to love those individual 60 seconds that God has given me.

I am afraid that this feeling will grow more and more unfamiliar as I drive back home. Part of me is already mourning the loss and the tenacious part of me is ready to fight. I think the only way that we can ever enjoy life is to allow ourselves to really come alive, not just be alive. We must choose to breathe it all in, to get lost in the moment—each moment that we are given, to feel everything and try to burn it into our minds and hearts as if it was the most important moment. It is at that instant. It is frightening to be that free, that alive but I think it is the only way that I will feel like time isn’t slipping away from me. I am tired of feeling like its all just slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. I want to be alive fully & completely. I want to actually notice what God is doing every second in this beautiful world around me. It’s worth noticing…

Shallow list?

Not sure what to write today to even capture a glimpse of what is going on in my mind, let alone all that is occurring in my heart. With that in mind I planned to just write some shallow list of things that I never thought I would hear myself say…needless to say, it took a turn

1. I caught a fish- 3 actually and I touched one of them. I attempted to touch two but he was too “prickely”, wiggled too much and looked too sad, so I couldn’t do it.
2. I watched UFC this weekend …well kind of. My eyes were covered most of the time. I just can’t handle watching people punch other people in the face for fun or wrestle around all bloody.  Gross.
3. I am scared out of my mind.
4. I am such a daddy’s girl. My Father is so good to me and I adore Him. I want to be just like Him someday and continually want to put a smile on His face.
5. Why? It isn’t fair? This isn’t what I wanted? No. …My rebellious heart kind of threw a fit, but my He was patient and understanding.
6. No one needs me. They need Him and the thought that they need me is really a lie of hidden pride. Ministry is not enough to satisfy me. He must be my living end.
7. Tell me all about the lego star wars thing you made. (I love junior highers, too awesome)
8. Yes, I’d love to help decorate for your wedding…& I mean that. Normally weddings are not my thing-too long, too boring- but I could not be looking forward to this more.
9. Yes, Lord- I am letting it all go, but know that in about 5 minutes I will probably start crying and snatch it right back out of Your hands but I really do want to give all this to You. My whole life is Yours.
10. I cannot do this on my own anymore. I just am not that strong and that is okay; You are. Take it all.

I guess when life is nothing like what you imagined, you start saying things you did not think you would ever really say. Perhaps this is the very place I needed to be pushed to. God knows what He is doing and He certainly is up to something. Life may be chaos, but it is a controlled chaos & I know He can handle everything, now I just need to trust Him to do so…

“…I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.” 2 Timothy 1:12

Terminal 3E

Traffic was heavy as usual. It is Chicago afterall, so why I found my self surprised is beyond me. I made my way into the loop of O’hare Int. airport and mindlessly drummed along on my steering wheel to the song on the radio. 4 years-it had been four years since we had seen each other. I had no idea what to expect, that is until I pulled up to terminal 3E and realized that my expectations were far too low.

Matt and I initially did not hit it off. The week we spent together in Guatemala was a week of distance and awkwardness. It was only on the last day of the trip that we connected, which left me with a difficult good-bye. Over the years we have tried to stay in touch despite the chaos that life brings. Yet, finally we meet and as I pulled up and saw him standing there I knew that God’s family is so much closer than I think. The bond that we have as a body of Christ is unique and unbreakable.

Laredo’s was the destination of choice for the few short hours we would have together. And in the dim lighting of a hole in the wall mexican restaurant I was challenged by Matt’s authenticity, compassion, and love for the Lord. Within a few hours we tried to catch up on all of life that had occured in the prior 4 years. It was nice to be updated on how he is doing but the thing that I walk away with the most are the three challenges that he made to me before we returned to the airport…

1. Don’t get stuck in the “Christian” world- when your friends are believers, you work with believers, you play sports with believers, you live with believers- you can easily lose sight of the rest of the world. You lose sight of God’s heart to seek and save those that are lost. The challenge: Don’t lose sight-not everyone knows the Lord.

2. Remember that the Body of Christ is worldwide- sometimes our surroundings and current life circumstances limit our vision. We get so obsessed with the small little “world” that we live in, and we forget that the body of Christ is not just us here in this town, its not even just America. It is the believes millions of miles away as well. My compassion and desire to further strengthen the body of Christ should include a concern for my brothers and sisters around the world.

3. Don’t go in thinking you have the answers, go in asking the questions. Often in ministry, we enter a city and have all of these lofy ideas of the great things we will do and how it will change so many lives. We have programs and activities in mind. In reality, it is not uncommon for these plans to be a flop- why? Because we are not attempting to meet people at their real place of need. Maybe there are alot of single moms in that town? maybe there is a high suicide rate? Maybe there is not affordable housing? We need to stop assuming we know what people need and start asking them what they need. Then we as the Church can most practically show them God’s love.

After good food and conversation, we returned to terminal 3E. It was a short reunion of friends but as we embraced that final moment my heart was reminded so much of the truth that Matt had spoken. God is so large. At that moment, we were in the same place-standing in the terminal-busy travelers rushing by-all headed to different places. In a few short minutes we would be headed different directions-each with challenges, each with the desire to see this beautiful bride become what God desires it to be in every corner of the world.

I’m not alright

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to You

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on

Honestly, I’m not that strong

And I move closer to You
I’m not all right…that’s why I need You

Not sure what to say or how to even start to explain what is on my heart. Nothing I write really captures it but  this song has been stuck in my head & expresses it well enough, at least for tonight…

 I love a God that moves in unexpected ways and loves with an unexplainable love.

Back on the road

Once again, the infamous Diadora duffle bag is laying open on the floor. It is empty for the first time in weeks, but not for long, and the continuous use is starting to show. However, it will not be seeing that closet shelf as often as it once did. No break this time; It is needed once again. My life has given me the chance to perfect the art of packing. I toss this and that into the bag like hundreds of times before. Do I have a tooth brush? check. Where are my shoes? Phone charger. check. Towels, shampoo, perfume…Everything is moving along with ease. The mental check list is getting shorter, but this time is different. I cannot plan what I am going to be wearing for the duration of my trip, because this is unlike any trip I have ever taken. I have no itinerary, no airline tickets, or driving directions. In reality the only thing I really know is the destination.

I find my self sitting here packing, but for the first time unsure what to bring & how this will all play out. It is not a vacation, nor a retreat. It really isn’t even a trip. It is a move, a change, with an unknown factor that keeps me up wondering. It is a return to the life of a wanderer, a nomad. I guess with this comes an adventure, perhaps the very change that I have been craving. That restlessness has returned again pushing me closer to a new adventure, sending me running to something new, different. With that itch comes a need for something to keep me feeling like life isn’t passing me by, like each moment is being lived to the fullest. Although this move is nothing like my typical reliefs to my restlessness, it is a change and perhaps it is the very change that I need right now, regardless if I want it or not. So I embrace the unknown, the couch being where I rest my head at night, perfecting the art of living out of my car again, all the tears, smiles, and lessons to come, and of course, the diadora duffle bag being my permanent traveling companion. 

Wandering re-establishes the original harmony which once existed between man and the universe.  ~Anatole France

The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.  ~Henry Boye

I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within.  ~Lillian Smith