Its been one of those days…the kind where you sit up late at night writing about the kind of day that it was. It’s the kind of day that makes you watch your favorite tv show as an attempt to make your heart forget what reality really is like. It’s the kind of day that hits you so hard that when you get home you just sit in the driveway and stair out the window for a while…at least that is what I do.
After a long day, I found myself just sitting in the driver’s seat of my car staring out into my front yard. A recent snowstorm had placed a carefully smoothed out blanket of snow over everything in sight. At first it looked so peaceful and inviting. I almost felt like I had to stop and just “be” in it for a moment to catch my breath from the day.
The snow made the world look untouched and left me feeling like all is pure and right. However, that feeling is rather elusive. Within a few moments, a different feeling crept in. This world looked so untouched. But why? I sat there puzzled for a while, watching intently as if I was waiting for a scene to unfold. But nothing came. Just stillness and silence. The longer I sat there, the more unsettled I became. What were the emotions you may ask? I asked that very question, however, no name came to mind. So I watched and I waited. I waited for what I knew would not come. After all, I am famous for that. More time passed and I began to picture a small bunny hopping past the tree that stood before me, leaving little patterned prints in the snow until it disappeared out of sight beyond the fence. Or perhaps a squirrel would scamper across the drive and vanish up into the branches. Even a leaf being blown across the velvet like snow would have sufficed. But I waited, and none came. I looked up to the tall old trees towering above, naked and bear, reaching like thin fingers to the sky. Nothing was on them but a glaze of snow. Below them, the one shorter tree surrounded by the plain snow covered ground. Nothing was there. And that is when it hit me, the uncomfortable emptiness. In that moment, my heart finally could introduce the feeling by name. Alone.
Meet Alone. Alone is the tall bare trees. the plain white blanket. the single tree. She is the feeling in your heart that comes when you realize how small you really are. When you stop and see that no one is watching. She is the feeling you get when all within you is racing and all that is around you is asleep. Do not be deceived. Alone is a better companion than most. In moments with Alone, you begin to see reflections of yourself in the world around you. You begin to find clarity where there was chaos, pain where there was peace. Yes, you are faced with the brutal reality of the world and the true vulnerability of your soul. It is no surprise then that, I find that often Alone is the one that most often reintroduces me to Him.
It is Alone that takes my hand and guides me through the maze of confusion in my heart. It is Alone that allows what has been locked away and ignored to stretch its legs. It is Alone that stops me in that car and points to the nothingness around me and says, “there he is. Don’t miss him” Perhaps I was waiting for something that wouldn’t come. Instead, he was there already and I just needed another introduction. When He is around Alone, he tends to look a little different than I had recalled. I had forgotten what His face looked like by the light of the snow-covered world. It had seemed like the least likely place to find Him but I am coming to discover that He and Alone are quite good friends and often lounge together under the snow dusted trees. I join them from time to time, loving their fellowship but often forgetting its sweetness once I have left. In their absence, I can forget what it is like for us all to be together. Time passes and we do not see each other as often as we should but they always welcome me with gentleness upon my return. And tonight was no different. Once again, with unwarranted surprise, I found that it was in their company that I felt more understood than I have felt in awhile.
goodnight old friend.
Traffic was heavy as usual. It is Chicago afterall, so why I found my self surprised is beyond me. I made my way into the loop of O’hare Int. airport and mindlessly drummed along on my steering wheel to the song on the radio. 4 years-it had been four years since we had seen each other. I had no idea what to expect, that is until I pulled up to terminal 3E and realized that my expectations were far too low.
