There is a cool breeze coming off of the lake & the small waves splash against the rocks and seem to move uninhibited. There is a freedom here and a feeling of newness. I have come to the conclusion that there is something about this place that changes me. It’s a change that I cannot even really explain. I am not relaxed, but I find myself getting lost in my thoughts here in a way very different from the way it is back home. I still am aware of all of my worries, concerns, and confusion but as I sit here I find myself feeling almost like a spectator to my life. I feel more removed from the feelings or perhaps they are just heightened–I am not really even sure. It all feels like a dream, like a big moment that I should remember for the rest of my life, yet nothing eventful has even happened?
I find myself sitting on the edge of the dock just thinking for hours. I am not sure what I am thinking about because it doesn’t even make sense to me but I just stare across the lake at all of the little houses that line the shore. Sometimes I wonder what the people that live there are like, what their lives are like, are they happy? Something about being here makes me wonder more about what really makes me happy and I am realizing more that I am not completely sure of a lot of things about myself.
I am sure of this…reality is waiting in the passenger seat of my car and I am not feeling ready to face the 319 miles we have together, to get reacquainted. I think something about being here made me realize how discontented I am with the way life is right now. I am blessed beyond reason but I have gotten that all too familiar stirring in my heart again. I need change, but this time doing my typical changes do not seem like enough. I cannot just go do something extreme like skydive or travel to foreign country. I cannot just go cut my hair or do something fun with friends. It needs to be bigger than all of that.
Theres got to be much more to life than the day to day routine that Ive followed. I cant live my life afraid to make the next move
I want to live differently. I want to live with the freedom that I feel here. I want to settle in and find out who I really am at the very core of my being. I want to just be able to stop and close my eyes as the wind hits my face. I want to lay in a hammock without music playing and love the sounds of silence. I want to day dream & actually feel each breath, each beat of my heart. I just want to slow down & learn to love each moment, not worried about where it is taking me, but rather to love those individual 60 seconds that God has given me.
I am afraid that this feeling will grow more and more unfamiliar as I drive back home. Part of me is already mourning the loss and the tenacious part of me is ready to fight. I think the only way that we can ever enjoy life is to allow ourselves to really come alive, not just be alive. We must choose to breathe it all in, to get lost in the moment—each moment that we are given, to feel everything and try to burn it into our minds and hearts as if it was the most important moment. It is at that instant. It is frightening to be that free, that alive but I think it is the only way that I will feel like time isn’t slipping away from me. I am tired of feeling like its all just slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. I want to be alive fully & completely. I want to actually notice what God is doing every second in this beautiful world around me. It’s worth noticing…
